The Bachelorette has officially concluded it’s second week. We’re one week closer to learning to believe in love again, and then having that belief almost immediately shattered, if we’re going by the established pattern of shows that feature Sam Frost. 

Now that we’re a couple of weeks and a few episodes in, we’re starting to get an idea of who the winners and losers in the Bachelorette mansion are. Of course the viewers are the real losers, but there are other losers outside of that. 

So, who are the winners?

Sasha.

He had a saucy salsa session with Sam and wound up with a pretty intense pash (#sashpash, #sashathepasha, #pressedfaces). The pash even occurred at the cocktail party, with all of the other guys in the next room. More like a cock-block-tail party, amiright?

Alex.

Our charming English gentleman was taken up in the air in a Tiger Moth plane by Sam on their single date. Afterwards they went to a butterfly enclosure, where Sam called Alex a “well-rounded man”. They seemed to have a pretty good time outside of that insensitive baldness joke. 

The butterfly, by the way, is like a metaphor for Sam’s rebirth. The planes are a metaphor for how Alex likes to get massively high. 

Michael.

He gave Sam a deck of cards, each of which had a fact about Michael written on it so that she could get to know him better. Not a single one of them had a dick’n’balls drawn on it (THAT WE KNOW OF), so Michael is a better man than I. 

Sam.

I mean, come on! Free plane ride!

Osher.

Osher is a perennial winner. 

Who are the losers, then?

Drew.

Poor guy got sent home at this week’s first rose ceremony. We may not know exactly what Sam wants, but we know it’s NOT “Jared Leto wig on a Will Forte noggin”.

Will.

Yeah, Will got sent home. Despite being - in the words of one of the other guys - “cut as mustard”. No, I don’t know what it means either.

Kieren.

Apparently. There was a guy named Kieren. Who knew?

David, the International Model.

I know he wasn’t in it this week, but he’s a perennial loser. David is the anti-Osher. 

You, the viewer.

You could be doing so much with this time. Go outside. Write a haiku. Spend time with your family. LIVE, damn you, LIVE. 

…anyway, see you next week!