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RECAP: The Real Housewives of Auckland season 1 episode 2

RecapDaniel Backhaus

Image - Foxtel

This week on the Real Plus Size Models of Auckland, we’re recovering from Julia’s birthday party where Gilda and Michelle attacked Julia.

First, we head to ‘the number one street in Auckland’, Paritai Drive, where Michelle has been summoned to Gilda’s mansion for a ‘doggy play date.’

Michelle is not one for animals. Although ostensibly living on a rural property with chickens and horses, she doesn’t care for creatures great and small unless their pelt has been lined and a ‘how to dry clean’ tag has been attached. Because of this, she has no control over her dog, Marley, who looks like it will one day relish in knocking her down her marble staircase that has no handrails.

Regardless, we are not here for those dogs; Gilda and Michelle instead sit down to break down the fight at Julia’s birthday party where Michelle, now infamously, called Angela out as a ‘plus-size model.’

Michelle feels like she could have handled it better – which, no duh – so she wants to reset and invite everyone around for a dinner party. This should all go well. Gilda is apprehensive, but agrees that maybe Angela was having an off day and a dinner party might be nice – okay, sure.

Next, we have to go and see Angela who, because she’s a fashion stylist, guys, really believes in spirituality. Because of course she does.

Big Unit Ange has come to see Karen, who is some kind of shaman (sha-woman?) who can help us all de-stress from the trauma of being called a plus-size model.

Karen looks like an off-brand Linda Perry from 4 Non Blondes, but her impersonation of mid-90s alt-rock vocalists isn’t her only gig. No, she also removes ‘daggers’ from people.

Basically, it’s like reiki mixed with…bullshit, probably. She takes probably a couple of hundred bucks to dress in a white suit, breathe through her nose and physically pull the daggers out – making pulling motions upwards.

Angela is totally here for it, though. She’s ready to write testimonial on her Yelp profile about Karen’s Psychic Dagger Removal Incorporated or whatever it’s called. She thanks Karen for all of her ‘help’ and promises to go into social situations ‘armed’ (psychically, of course.) This should be great. I’m sure Angela is totally centred now, everyone.

After getting all the swords removed, Angela heads out to the country to visit Anne at her vineyard for a coffee catch up. As is her wont, she can’t just turn up with a small tchotchke like a bottle of wine or a candle. Angela instead brings a rack of clothes in order to give Anne a wardrobe makeover.

It’s a little insane, and Anne invites her in politely, but makes sure she has her emergency buzzer on her in case Angela decides to aggressively update her dress sense.

Anne breaks out the champagne, and Angela launches in to her well-worn introduction spiel about being a fashion stylist to empower women. Oh, and Angela gets the words ‘lethargic’ confused with the word ‘cathartic’, twice. Anne stares blankly, praying for a swift death, before Julia arrives.

Angela takes this opportunity to parade the clothes selection she’s brought for Anne, but she is clearly not interested. Angela plows straight through and finishes her aborted styling session by giving Anne a copy of her style guide.

As they sit down for tea, who should call but Michelle! Quelle surprise. She invites them all to the dinner party, and Angela painfully mugs in the corner, nervous about what Michelle’s intentions are.

There’s a brief scene with Michelle taking her daughter to a fashion show, and Michelle tries to sell Auckland as the next Paris/Milan/New York in terms of fashion, although she wears a Christmas Beetle-green blazer and an oversized tie with a ladybug on it, so don’t take her word for it.

Also, Louise goes to get headshots and it’s clear that the producers/editors have quickly ditched the idea that she’ll be the bitch of the series and have instead set her up for the comic relief. She’s naturally funny, and a lot of it comes from being self aware about who she is and how she’s been portrayed in the past.

Anyway, we go over to the farm where Michelle and her husband, Dave, are prepping for the dinner party.

Image - Foxtel

And they’re actually prepping! I mean, of course Michelle has hired caterers, but because she forgot to tell them to make potatoes she and her husband are peeling them over the sink. How relatable.

Michelle tells us that dinner parties aren’t about food, they’re about hosting – which is, you know…wrong.

Louise and Julia are the first to arrive, and Michelle stuns them by asking them to remove their shoes. She has expensive flooring and doesn’t want scuffmarks – Louise is so rich she can’t understand why people don’t just buy new floors.

Gilda then arrives in her Rolls Royce – which producers must be insisting she take everywhere they film even though she’s far too short to drive it. 

Angela and Anne are the last to arrive, and Michelle and Angela give each other air kisses and everything seems to be going fine, right?

Upstairs, Dave is getting all the ladies liquored up like he’s on the production team. When all the housewives get in there, they decide to toast – but Angela wasn’t given a glass! Of course she takes this as a deliberate snub and Angela is outraged already, but she smiles through it, as is her way.

Michelle takes Anne and Gilda around, presumably so she can write off all her renovations on tax if it’s showcased on the Real Housewives. Gilda and Michelle are looking forward to restarting a relationship with Angela, hopefully on the right foot.

Meanwhile, Angela, Louise and Julia are left upstairs in the bar to their own devices. Julia, living her best life as a shit-stirrer, decides to bring up that Anne thinks Gilda is a gold-digger for her previous marriage. (Which, actually, Julia brought up first.)

Julia wants to know if she should tell Gilda. Louise thinks ‘why tell her if it’s only going to hurt her?’ whereas Angela is champing at the bit to tell Gilda – let’s empower her with the information.

Angela wants to know why the gold digger rumours surfaced about Gilda. (She married a rich, old man. Case closed.) Who was Gilda when she first came to New Zealand? (Are you not listening?) If she is a gold digger, why would someone choose that lifestyle? (Okay, you’re not listening.)

Angela is annoyingly skirting around a rumour she’s heard, and Louise finally gets fed up and states what was flying around when Gilda first arrived in Auckland. 

Unfortunately, the audience doesn’t get to hear it because when Louise opens her mouth all that comes out is: “*BLEEP*”

Julia is stunned, and Angela practically creams her jeans when Louise gives the rumour credence.

After cocktail hour, they all reconvene around the dinner table and it seems that everything will go okay, won’t it?

Dinner conversation seems to go all right, Angela decides to share about all the daggers being pulled out and everyone seems to be able to have a laugh about it. She seems a bit miffed about that.

She then tries to engage Gilda in conversation about having her colours done, but in a really weird, passive aggressive way.

Gilda is just trying to have dinner and blanking Angela, which makes the latter even more obsessed with trying to get a smile or a positive comment back – just drop it, Ange!

Julia decides to take Gilda off and defuse the situation. NOT. Instead, Julia puts out one fire and lights two more fuses by telling Gilda that Anne called her a gold digger.

At the table, Angela foreshadows that the tide has changed and has decided that ‘it’s time to get some truths out.’

Gilda and Julia return to the table and Gilda – not one to snipe from the sidelines – immediately takes Anne to task for calling her a gold digger. Anne is pissed off that Julia has put her in it, but explains why she said it.

Gilda doesn’t seem to mind saying she’d rather ‘dig gold, than dig shit.’

Angela takes this opportunity to share the information she’s heard with Gilda, under the guise of some strange public information service.

She tells Gilda that people are speaking of her poorly, but Gilda is a little suspicious that Angela has been here ‘two days from Christchurch’ and knows all the rumours around town.

Angela says that Louise and Julia have just been talking about the fact that Gilda has been called a *BLEEP*.

Everyone around the table is floored, but Gilda sees it as Angela desperately looking for another reason to attack her. She doesn’t want anything to do with her, and doesn’t think that’s a big problem.

Angela thinks that Gilda can’t listen to any criticisms.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” says Gilda.

“Gilda, you’re just not getting it,” Angela replies, clearly refusing to admit defeat. She wants Gilda to know what people are saying about her.

Gilda then drops the microphone on the argument, with this absolute clanger:

“Do you know what I’ve heard about you? Not a fucking thing.”


Angela retreats, even though it wasn’t her intention to attack Gilda. (It was.) 

“I never said *BLEEP*”

“Oh, Angela, shut the fuck up!”

“Oh, Gilda, get fucked, honestly.”

Angela gets up to leave, and Gilda wonders why she bothers to show up if she can’t take the heat.

Julia chases after her, but Angela has already called the cab and is hightailing it back to the city.

Michelle muses that Angela’s healing session was a waste of time. And if she wants to spend more time on Auckland’s social scene, she has to get along with Gilda.

“This is Gilda’s town,” she laughs, ominously.

“It’s not Christchurch.”

That it isn’t.

Next week, Anne hosts something called a Pussy Galore Party and like the setting of the sun, we can count on Angela and Gilda having another confrontation. Make sure you see Gilda on the way out; this is her town after all